Something of minor import

Thinking aloud

2010-07-31T22:14:00.000-06:00

So yeah, mostly things are getting better, or worse. Depends on your perspective. In a lot of ways I love my life, I love the things I am learning, about life, love and everything. I love the people in it, their influence on me, and how much love they have for me. I love how things seem to happen at the last second when I need them to. And even with all that, I have a hard time being as grateful as I think I should. I complain, a lot, even about things that I have been blessed with. My natural tendencies to HAVE to be right, regardless of who it hurts, I hate that about myself, both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because it enables me to take a stand on truth and not waver, but a curse if its only a perception of truth. I was talking with my good friend the other day, I was talking about the difference between Having to be right, and Wanting to be right. And I recognize it might not be seen the same by all. Having to be right is when you can't be wrong, you have to bend everything to fit into your perception of what is right. Wanting to be right is when you want to learn from your wrongs and change them to be right. The fundamental difference between the two is self. Where you see yourself, If you see yourself as an unchanging being, thats when you have to be right. If you see your self as a creature of mortality, and able to fall, it opens up the possibility of change.

My World at Peace

2010-05-05T23:49:00.000-06:00

My life is blessed, my life is so much more than I have given God credit for. He really has been there, and He really does love me, not just as a child of God, but as an individual entity. I have so much more than I had previously realized, my cup runneth over.

Blessings are amazing things, I just received a second Patriarchal blessing tonight, and WoW do I feel so many different emotions right now, Between anticipation and hope, to elation and determination to do better with my life so that I may be able to receive those promises that were given.

Many things stood out to me, Faithfulness, thats a big one, and what it means and how its one of my strengths. I really like that, that I trust and believe in Christ and will work to uphold Him and Testify of Him.

Another one was family, that they are such an important part of who I am and who I could become, I love my Family, both present and future. I have struggled so hard to be the type of man that I believed I needed to be, that I wasn't becoming the type of man God wanted me to be. Kind, long-suffering, gentleness and being of service. I have been holding me back from doing what I have known I should. My mind races at the possibilities that this mindset and this ability to listen to God and receive instruction can accomplish, not just in my present family who need me to be so, but my future family.

Leadership, what defines a leader? I was told I would be a leader, not just in my family but to be involved in the leadership of the priesthood. That I would be called to do many wonderful things through the priesthood. I hope I can be worthy of such great responsibilities, that I can live my life that God can use me to be that tool in his hands that brings souls not only to Salvation but Exaltation as well.

Most of all I feel so confident in my future, that if I do my part God will do the rest, I must keep that faithfulness alive in my heart, that what God promises he fulfills as long as we do what he says.

Opinions and consequences

2010-03-21T10:20:00.000-06:00

So I have been humbled, and it took no more than a simple letter from a father to his children, I have been struggling to try to be a help to my family and to be a common ground for the rift that has occurred in it. I am failing, try as I might words fail me. I feel so tired of the constant blame of others that has been happening on a nigh constant basis. The petty power struggles to be sure that we as individuals are right, and others must see us as right as well.

Something has to change, and I know that it is not in my power to change other people, it has to be me that I change, my habits both in communication and application have to become more pure. I must be more full of a Christ-like love. I need to act upon the idea that every action I do is either doing one of two things, loving my neighbor or not loving my neighbor.

I need to realize that the words I say need to be spoken with absolute love, with compassion for another soul. I have to work on allowing others to disagree with me, and not feeling like I have to convince them to my way of thinking. I see the world differently than anyone else can possibly see it, I see it as I experience it. No one else can see it my way, for only I have walked the path that I have tread in this life.

I am responsible for my actions and I will pay the natural consequences of them, it doesnt make the consequence any less to say it was someone elses fault, that I acted because of something that was done or said to me by another. Only I can choose for me, and ultimately I must be held accountable for the results of those choices.

Those that know me know me to be a concerned person for the needs and desires of others, if there is a need I can fill I try to have an attitude that I will do what I can to fix it. But I am realizing something, God is the only one that can "fix" things, I am merely a tool in his hands at times. Sometimes I feel like a cheap wal-mart tool, the kind that will break the first time it encounters a little resistance.

So I move forward this day and all the others to come with a faith that I will be able to be more loving in my actions and in my speech, and that while I cant always be in agreement with my neighbor, I can still love them.

Seriously?

2010-03-11T18:17:00.000-07:00

What a mess, seriously, its like we are not satisfied with any sense of completeness, life has gotten really hectic. I dont even recognize my room anymore... I want to say its all a deliberate ploy to destroy my peace and harmony but that would be selfish of me.

Of course the mess that is left is going to have to be cleaned up, and who better qualified than those that did not make it.

I think the thing I have the most problem with is the lack of communication that exists where I am concerned. Things happen that doesn't mean I should not at least be told what the hell is going on. I mean seriously is it that hard to talk to someone and say "hey this is whats going to happen, and while we cant say why, at least you are aware now." End of it. But no, I dont even get so much as a days advance warning before my space gets invaded, stuff that was being used by me (even though its not mine) is taken, and im just supposed to be happy about the whole thing.

I have a pile of laundry that I cant get done because they loaded up the washer and dryer. I try to suggest a solution to that and get told that there is another plan involved, when I ask what that is I am told that I will know when its time.... B.S.

Love

2010-02-28T22:49:00.001-07:00

So its something that has come to my attention, Girls think differently than guys... Wow... Who knew???

I wrote a poem over a year ago and just now thought of it, It was written for my mother to tell her that Genuine love is unconditional, its based on more than what we can expect to gain from it.

Love? Who decides who is worthy of such a thing?
Is it the masses the simple majority?
Maybe someone standing in a place of authority?
What is it to love to care that drives us to share?
Why must we act on this emotion?
This thought sometimes called a fools notion?
We speak of love as if it were a riddle.
To love or hate , there is no middle.
But the question remains
Can we start again?
When even ourselves we are afraid to love.
Always wanting to have our worth verified.
The thought of just us keeps us terrified.
The answer to all these questions must lie.
Somewhere beyond this expanse of sky.
The Being who created us all.
Has shown us that love is never small.
It belongs to all of us true.
Not one is denied this boon.
Every soul that dreams.
Every heart that mourns.
Deserves to have that love shown.
The next part is the hardest.
To love ourselves when we feel the darkest.
Knowing in our very souls.
He has not given up on us in our toils.
If He can love us no matter what.
So can we even when we get stuck.

It's a little rough and could use some editing but I feel it captures the raw emotions just right.

In a lesson today we talked about what the fundamental differences are between a Guy and a Girl. Guys are like Buffalo's we tend to do our thing and ignore the world around us, Girls on the other hand are like Butterfly's they are more acutely in tune with the world around them, the slightest breeze they notice and react to. While Guys tend to think of things in straight lines and A+B=C mentality, Girls tend to be more focused in the surroundings, the feelings and emotions involved rather than the thinking it takes to get from point A to point B. Not that I claim to be an expert by a long shot. But to understand the differences is to help understand ways to show more love and compassion towards the opposite sex.

We also discussed some of the major ways that Men hurt their wives(without even realizing it). Because we tend to think in straight lines and solving the problems that arise we dont focus on how the words we speak might be taken in ways that hurt. We can talk to other guys and say the same things and it will totally be taken in stride, just as we say it with no hidden meaning attached. But because of the sensitive nature of Women the slightest sarcastic remark can lead to them thinking less of themselves.

The key to Love as far as I have been able to understand is, Love is Patient, and Love is Kind. or in other words, Love God, and Love your neighbor. so simple in saying, yet goes so deep as to affect every single aspect of our lives and all of our relationships. We are taught to do unto others as we would be done by, yet often times I find myself flipping it, and doing to others as I have been done by, hitting my brother cause he hit me first, making a rude remark because I was ridiculed. All of this leads to unsatisfied relationships, and hurt. So it must start with me, I must be the one to act before acted upon, and to return Good for Evil.

More and more

2010-02-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

Trust, such a key part of life, it is a bond that unites people towards a common goal. How can we love those who we do not trust?

I find that the more I can trust a persons intent vs. a persons actions, the more free I am to love that person. For while actions can affect me in direct ways, to judge a persons intent and not believe that they want things that are good would be affecting me in indirect ways as well. My attitude towards that person would not be one where forgiveness could be given, "because they meant to cause me harm" It amazes me how often a little thoughtless act can turn into a war between souls, that we become so selfish in our own attitudes that another cannont recieve that which we believe is undeserved.

Its a complex mess, a downward spiral, by showing distrust of intent tells the other person that you do not care for them as individuals, so they begin to distrust YOUR intent, and downward and downward it goes.
We cannot begin to fix the problem until one person shows enough integrity to trust intent, over the actions resulted from that intent. New actions can be learned, a different approach to problems can be developed, but we cannot teach intent, its something that comes from God, to have a Godly intent, does not mean we have Godly actions.

2010-02-18T19:16:00.000-07:00

Why is it so hard to live like we should? I've been thinking that it must come down to the hard truth... we either will accept it or we wont, God loved us so he sent his son.

Now most people I know, understand at least partially what that phrase means. Christ came to this earth. But the other part that is sometimes overlooked is that God Loves Us. Yes that includes you, and it includes me. Now as a mormon I find it amazing that such things can exist, God is not some distant supreme being shooting lightning out his fingertips. He is our father, our creator and loves us as such. Amazing, simply amazing.

So now here is something that has been on my mind in relation to that concept. What does God require of us? Well we could go through the entire list of covenants and commandments both ancient and modern, but I think Christ himself summed it up perfectly.... When asked what the two greatest commandments were, he responded that the first was to love God with all your heart, might, mind, and strength. The second he said was to love our neighbor as ourself. In my studys I have come to find out that any law or commandment God gives us is based on those two principles. When we do as we are commanded we Are loving God and Loving our neighbor. It doesnt matter what the Law or Covenant or Commandment is we are told to obey, God doesnt give them to us under any other premise than to show us how to love as he loves. He wants us to have the kind of love that he expresses to each and everyone of his children.

Dances

2010-02-13T10:37:00.000-07:00

I think I am developing a love/hate relationship with dances. I love seeing my friends and dancing but I hate the games and little things that people play. Its just almost not worth it, if I had worse friends anyway :)

Of course there is always that girl that knows she has something on you and will play it up till your blue in the face. And the guy that plays the smooth casanova with every girl in the room. All for what?

Trust

2010-02-11T23:28:00.000-07:00

Trust is not something that you either have or you dont, its something that is created, and can either be built up or torn down. Of course the easiest way to maintain a high level of trust is to never do anything that would offend another, but that is impossible. In our human condition we make mistakes all the time. and those mistakes will affect others ability to trust us. Assuming too much, or acting like our actions do not affect others is definitely something to avoid.

Ill post more on this subject when more occurs to me :)

Its ok to have a Crap day; as long as it doesnt become a Crap tomorrow...

2010-02-09T08:23:00.001-07:00

So I was having a really bad day yesterday, based mostly on only getting a few solid hours of sleep. (it was not a good night either). After talking to a few close friends and kind of just letting things off my chest, I felt a little better, but still junky.

I was trying my best to modify my attitude and nothing was working, at least to the point of me being content and fairly happy with my lot in life. Its weird cause its hard to keep me down for too long, I am usually the type that chooses to be happy inspite of it all.

Towards the end of the day I went to a small discussion group that me and my friends put together to just study the gospel and help others understand it. It was just the therapy I needed. I am probably considered a loud mouth in the group because I always have something to say about whatever topic is being brought up. I love the Gospel and all it has done in my life, and I want to share that with others.

So after my personal therapy session ;) I was talking to my friend and it came to me, that despite all it being such a dissappointing day, thats all it had to be, I dont have to let it affect tomorrow or the next day or the next day. Life happens and bad days are just a part of it. I learned that its ok to not be perfectly happy all the time, because life will change back around, as long as we take one day at a time. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but today. So take your crap days, cause they happen, but remember that tomorrow is a day that everything starts over. So dont let the mistakes of yesterday ruin the promise of today.

Happiness

2010-02-07T12:52:00.000-07:00

So this morning I went to Elders class, first time going to that class and it was amazing.
The lesson was given by a good friend of mine and it was about Happiness being the purpose of Man's existence. I have my own thoughts on happiness and the key one being happiness is a choice. I never fully realized how deep that was before. It was brought up that Happiness is not a goal, or rather you cant just have happiness, instead it is a end result of living virtueous and uprightly before God. Everytime I can remember being unhappy was when I knew that the way I was doing things and the way I would act were not how I should act. We make a choice about everything in life, from the music we listen to on the radio to the choice in eternal companions. It is simply not enough to just do aas you want, it is imperitive that we do what is right. Man is to have joy(happiness) and a true joy never can come from any other means than a celestial path. Drugs, Sex, and various other pleasures of the flesh never can hold true joy, because they are not eternal. And who wants to be miserable for eternity? I dont!!

So it does come down to choosing happiness, by choosing to be happy we must also as a matter of consequence choose those actions and laws that will bring us happiness. For there is never a blessing given by God except on the law or commandment or principle it is based on being followed. So the Blessing of Happiness requires more than just recieving gifts or having enough money in the bank. More than anything it requires us to give God all our heart, cause he will take care of us, and give what we require, eternal happiness is something we can attain, but only by following God

The joys of living as a bachelor :)

2010-02-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

Its not so bad really, I make food I love and enjoy, no one tells me when to go to bed, and I get to pay all my own expenses like a real adult would.

Speaking of food, I made spaghetti tonight :) a definite favorite, if a girl can make a better sauce than I, I would so just get down on one knee on the spot... lol. Its different everytime since I don't really follow a set recipe or anything just a few select spices that are amazing.

So if you ever want good homemade pasta give me a call we will make a date of it. ;)

Power in prayer

2010-02-06T08:38:00.000-07:00

There is something powerful about prayer, something that links us to our creator in such a human way. I find it amazing that no matter the struggle I face I can just take it to him and he will be able to help me, maybe not in the way I expect but in the way I need. My mind is working out a way to say the things it wants to say without giving too much away. Needless to say my life like anyone elses is full of individual battles, some to the point where I have been fighting so long its become part of my routine.

Still it is a wonder I have any sanity at all for the lack of hope I see in the future at times. A country continually spiraling downward to its own destruction, like me, can only maintain its current course before the crutches supporting it will break.

I have always prided myself on my ability to solve problems, to take something abstract and make sense of it. My friends have always trusted me with their problems because I can give solid advice. Yet, in my own life I have a hard time really seeing all the angles of things. In other words I dont know how to help "me".

Prayer is wonderful in its simplicity, there is just something easy of knock and it shall be opened. The peace that is available that while most times seems so out of reach, is amazing. I feel such a profound joy that is hard to describe without using a lot of flowing words. Peace, yes its just a simple thing and I feel so grateful for the beauty that is my life.

I may not know what the future may hold and I may not know how the day may end, but this morning I feel peace, a better understanding of the moment and a greater hope for the unknown. My God is God, and with that knowledge I can look forward to the things "I" dont know and be content, because He knows it.

A poem I wrote a while ago

2010-02-05T09:38:00.000-07:00

Where I go

Torn, beyond belief,

Follow my heart or follow my feet

Either way I have so much to gain,

But so much to lose that I cant regain.

In the end of my journey there will be,

Choices made that will set me free.

Free to live my life as I would,

Feeling no guilt for the things that could not be.

Willing to move forward regardless the cost,

I take the steps even when I feel so lost.

Looking for a Landmark, a sign to follow.

Tracing the pattern of my Hollow.

How many times must I wander in circles,

Hoping to find a way beyond the trees.

I feel the breeze breath across my valley,

Bringing scents of a world I cannot believe.

My heart says to take the step beyond the trees.

My feet say here is comfort and safety.

Continue my circling for a step or so.

Till I begin to cry out LET ME GO.

The Valley of my imprisonment.

Sometimes the words of the past seem to echo in my mind lately, just random snippets of conversations and feelings that were expereinced. I look back at some of my writings from long ago and realize that who I am has continued to grow. Progression is key to finding what we seek, if we constantly are doing and thinking the same things over and over we will never get any different answers. So I look on what could happen this year, and I am glad for a direction to head, a direction to follow. But like it says which direction? "Follow my heart, or follow my feet..."

Working on the remodel

2010-02-04T20:18:00.001-07:00

So I have decided that Remodels are not my cup of tea, its always such a chaotic mess to do, specially in a house that is still being lived in. Constant shuffling of things from one room to another, as soon as that area gets finished then the stuff gets moved back into it along with more stuff from the next area. On the brightside though it is getting done. Just finished the downstairs living room painting. next on the list is Carpet and baseboards. Its been pretty good though, I get to play with all sorts of different aspects of home building that I really hadnt ever done before. (i.e. Drywall, Painting, flooring and such)

On a different note I had a thought occur to me today, now it may have just been the paint fumes talking but I was thinking that I need to get moving, not in a physical sense of movement but in a directional sense of making forward progress in my life. I can only do so much at my present state of being, so in order to progress I need to change a few things that are holding me in place.

Mornings

2010-02-04T10:53:00.000-07:00

I find myself contemplating a few things this morning, mostly choice. Had a friendly debate yesterday with a friend about whether or not we do anything we dont want to do, she was of the opinion that you cant do something you dont want to, because by doing something you have made the choice to want to do it. I will disagree with that, I believe we do something nine times out of ten because we either want the reward or we fear the consequences. The other ten percent while yes it could be stated that we want to do it, we do it because we believe it is right, that we want to do what is right without thought to reward. Just some strange thoughts rolling through my head at the moment as I look at my life and see me doing things that while my first choice would be not to do them, the ultimate choice is I will do them because; 1. I see no better alternative, 2.My life will be better for the effort despite the consequences of going through that process. 3. That it is right, and no matter how much I dislike the thought of doing it, it is more important that I do whats right than what I want to do.

Hmmm I think I will do this more often haha

2010-02-03T23:31:00.003-07:00

So I have been thinking lately that it was time to restart my blog, not something I take lightly I am going to totally reformat and start over with fresh ideas in the areas of growing up, being alive, and what it means to love. I find that the less I express myself, the less faith I have in my ability to do so. Something has been on my mind a great deal though and that is what is it that brings people to reach out and connect to each other? Is it simply a wish to be understood? Or something even deeper, something that gives so much more than we can put into it. If scientists could harness the power of friends it would lead to unlimited potential.

Life is simply too good and too important to just float through, it takes movement, to fully invest of ourselves in something bigger than ourselves is required to take advantage of all life has to offer.

A broken machine

2009-06-21T21:06:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, I wonder about my friendships and what I really do contribute to them. I like to think that I am loyal and that I am willing to serve others. But then I wonder, how much good am I really doing? I have a friend that recently got back into a relationship, and as a consequence our friendship has been seriously strained. I know alot of that had to deal with my own weaknesses. But as I conquer my demons of jealousy and self importance, I look at what I used to mean to this person. We could talk about anything, and do it with a smile on our face and joy. Now... I dont know I feel pushed into this corner, and if I make a move to escape the corner I seem to cause more offense. I was once refered to as the Kaboom*Sparkle*Sparkle*, a name to illustrate my lack of humanness? Im not sure, but Im pretty sure this firework is fading out leaving only memorys of a brilliant flash. The machine I was is broken, replaced by a man with nothing left to give. Why must I be treated as the enemy now? I dont quite understand... and probably wont for a long time.

Rantings and ravings

2009-02-25T18:31:00.002-07:00

Something is wrong. I feel a stranger in my own life. Really, If I am not Needed by my friends do I need them? Why must I always feel like I am misunderstood. I know its just my perception so is likely faulty. But what happens to the Man that is no longer needed? So what if your life worked fine, Obviously it did you made so many choices that brought so much happiness to you. Why did you need in the first place? So treat me like a bone that has been over chewed, ready to be buried and never considered again. Its ok really Obviously your the only who had needs. Glad to know you only considered our friendship one sided. and I guess it really was. So much for my delusions that I make a difference. So go back to the way it was before. Go back to whatever you were before. Obviously I didn't help and am only in the way of your growth now. I Know this may offend you but frankly I just need to get it off my chest. I am tired of trying to be there when all along I was not wanted there. I will continue to care but at a distance that we both obviously need. Hope you find your answers and someone else you can confide in. All I wanted was a friend and all I wanted to be was a friend. if that is no longer a mutual goal then seperation is needed. As you so delicately put it " I dont Need them," My life worked before it will work again,

Agency

2009-02-05T10:14:00.004-07:00

Agency, its a concept that has been on my mind heavily this last little bit. Why did God give us agency if it was just in his power to remove all the bad choices? That would solve things wouldn't it? I mean if you cant murder then no murders would ever happen right? sounds like a great Idea right? If someone does something just remove all possibility that they can do it again right? seems logical and sometimes necessary. But then if that was the easy way why do we even have Agency? Why are we allowed to make choices that can affect others? Is it not for our own progression? To prove ourselves to God? If only good Choices were available how could we Judge a Man by his works? If it is truly about learning to grow who are we to make choices that limit another Mans agency and be Justified in it? Consequences is one thing but for a Consequence to be effective a Man must be allowed to make a Choice that receives that consequence.

2009-01-22T11:57:00.004-07:00

Learn how to carry a friendship greatly, whether or not it is returned. Why should one regret if the receiver is not equally generous? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet. Let your greatness educate the crude and cold companion. If he is unequal, he will presently pass away; but thou art enlarged by thy own shining.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

I was searching for inspiration (yes you can google it) and I came across this quote. How fitting is it to me at this time, I have been on both sides here both the cold crude companion as well as the sun that is enlarged by its own shining

Insomnia prevails

2009-01-22T08:04:00.000-07:00

Sleep.... Who really needs that. My mind doesn't seem to think it is very important. On and it it races unable to shut down thinking thoughts of the previous day and cant seem to find the way. I reach for some semblance of peace it is nowhere to be found. I cant believe it happened that way, yet I am the one who said it should. Is it really for the best? to just abandon in time of need? ahhhhh I just scream at the futility of the whole mess. such potential and such waste. I am but a man weak and lowly as the dust. Subject to the infirmities of this existence, Oh that my mind would cease this pointless ramble of rules and obligations broken. Or that my heart would just cope with the things not meant to be. If ever there was someone in a true quandary it is I.

The drive home.

2009-01-21T17:54:00.000-07:00

Light starts in a dark place
The story of a car chase
And I’ve become the criminal
And fleeing from this scene
And being caught in a bad dream
The truth becomes the unthinkable, yeah

I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
To brake hard would be better
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to feel
I'm going there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
Out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Out of control asleep at the wheel

Night falls with no grace
I said I can do anything
But I can do anything wrong
And with burning speed
The rear view says it's catching up to me
But I’m already gone

I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
To brake hard would be better
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to feel
I'm going there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
Out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel

Tearin’ it down to open up the highway
We’re looking for our exit
No pretending
Spinning out and around
With a sobering smash
I'm staring at our car crash
Oh, the chase is ending

I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
To brake hard would be better
Tonight I’ll do what it takes to feel
I'm going there only faster
Jump the gun and throw it into gear
But the fact of the matter
The end is coming

I’m on the brink of disaster
Starin’ down the consequences
To brake hard would be better
Out of control asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Asleep at the wheel
Out of control asleep at the wheel

Now I am not usually one for lyrics and writing about them, But today im in such a state that my own words are not good enough to define how I feel. I heard this song while I was driving home. Its called Brink of Disaster by Mae. All I know is this life is becoming very quickly more and more complicated. The more I try to control something the less control I end up with. Why is it that I cant be satisfied, I have to jump off cliffs that I dont see the bottom of. I feel like I am missing something. Wait, I am, My friend. The one I could talk about anything to and be understood. But I wasnt satisfied with that? Now we are taking a serious reevaluation of ourselves and what we want. Not only from each other but from ourselves. I feel half empty, things will never be the same. I know we will get beyond this. But into what thats the real question. I have no idea what this all means, and I am scared to death to find out.

So I am on the Brink of Disaster, Staring down the Consequences.... Out of control asleep at the wheel.

...

2009-01-21T13:42:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Fraility

2009-01-17T01:42:00.001-07:00

I seem to be in a quandary... No matter the direction no matter the personal cost I am destined to do the one thing I hate to do... Hurt those that are close to me... I can't seem to find my voice amidst the heart of reason. I am only a man I only feel human emotions, yet I wonder what is it that I am afraid of? Life? Death? Love? Failure? all the above? I have no clue how to proceed in a delicate matter when I am not delicate. Life has forged me hard and cruel yet not by choice. I am unwavering in my devotion to my principles even though at times I wonder what those are and what I mean by them... If I must be something, If I must be , Why not someone that can overlook the frailties of the human emotion. Why must I when I know I should feel empowered and overjoyed, feel such weakness... Such pain... Why must I doubt. Do I really mean what I say or is it just rhetoric to appease the masses I know not. But this I do know I am a survivor I can with God do all things... I don't see the Future but I cant let my past become my future. This day I choose which way to go. and there is no turning back no 2nd guessing no hope for a different tomorrow, It is becoming something in the wee hours of morning. When My mind says I will. I put my trust not in the Arm of Flesh but in the Rock of my salvation. As I know that I am. I know that God is. And I know that he will reveal the truth of all things if I have but faith in him. Yet I doubt... those all to common weaknesses made apparent to my scrutinous gaze. I see my faults laid before me like a puzzle with no answer.

Strangeness

2009-01-16T17:05:00.000-07:00

Ever get the feeling that things are going great, then the next wonder what is wrong with life?

I seem to go through this quite often, and I guess that is just life. We cant control anything but ourselves, Yet life is uncompromising things happen. I only wish I understood my own reactions to things. As today I feel apprehensive I have recently reconnected with a friend that I had not talked to for over half a year, even though I had seen her around alot. Long story I dont feel like telling. But anyway today is my friends birthday dinner which I have been invited to. I know that she will be there but I dont know what to think about that. I have this fear of sinking and drowning behind a wall of Self doubt and insecurity.

Love?

2008-12-28T06:35:00.001-07:00

Love? Who decides who is worthy of such a thing?
Is it the masses the simple majority?
Maybe someone standing in a place of authority?
What is it to love to care that drives us to share?
Why must we act on this emotion?
This thought sometimes called a fools notion?
We speak of love as if it were a riddle.
To love or hate , there is no middle.
But the question remains
Can we start again?
When even ourselves we are afraid to love.
Always wanting to have our worth verified.
The thought of just us keeps us terrified.
The answer to all these questions must lie.
Somewhere beyond this expanse of sky.
The Being who created us all.
Has shown us that love is never small.
It belongs to all of us true.
Not one is denied this boon.
Every soul that dreams.
Every heart that mourns.
Deserves to have that love shown.
The next part is the hardest.
To love ourselves when we feel the darkest.
Knowing in our very souls.
He has not given up on us in our toils.
If He can love us no matter what.
So can we even when we get stuck.

Friends

2008-12-26T02:43:00.001-07:00

When I think about the friends I've known
And all the ways to love they've shown
I realize I am not alone
I was a boulder, a stone
Never giving anything to anyone
Always denying that flicker of hope
Wondering if it was all a show
Now I see things differently
I see things as they were meant to be
Where true friendship means more
Than just a knock outside your door
My friends believed in me
More than even I could see
I became something true
Someone that cares through and through
About the lives he touches
His negatives no longer his crutches
He gives because he has been there
Where you have nothing left but the air
He works his hands
For the betterment of man
Never tiring, never ceasing
Cause and effect have played their part
Almost succeeding in taking his heart
All these things that I've tried to become
I owe to my friends, every single one
For showing me the path I couldn't see
I try to thank them in my way to be

Where do we go?

2008-12-25T03:29:00.000-07:00

When the back is against the wall

When nothing keeps us standing tall

Except that will and power from within

When will we begin

To push back upon our bonds

To force ourselves to stand

To shout in defiance the tyranny

Of that singular fear of destiny

Becoming masters of our fate

Choosing for ourselves when to love or when to hate

Never falling for someone elses whim

Always bringing the truth deep within